It was day 5 of my journey and the only reason I wasn't overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving my old life was because of the road trip and the adventure of it all. There I was out on the open highway trying to out drive a tornado warning as I drove through Kansas. That was a 12 hour driving day, one of my longest. I had managed to get through Kansas and then stopped in Missouri. When I finally settled down, I realized I was a day's drive away from the possibility of seeing Mr. Sweet 16. (See #2 & #5) He had asked, since I was driving through his state, if maybe I could swing by for a hi after what, 30 years. I feared I had made a big mistake contacting him because I realized I still cared. But I also knew in my heart that this was more of the beginning of an end, that would wrap up an old chapter in my life. Indeed, this was the start of the purging of old loves and infatuations.
The next morning, I got up ready to continue on my way through St. Louis. Because I had never been there, I had decided to take the time out to be a tourist. So, I did the only stop of the trip that was one solely based on fun, I stopped to see the Arch. This was the first time that I had felt a little alone. Normally I would have been sharing this moment with someone, my children, my ex, a relative, someone. But there I was alone walking and taking pictures of the Arch without another to share my thoughts with. I did however, managed to enjoy my little tourist moment for the most part, and then got back into the car heading closer to my destination with fate.
It was a sad thing hoping for a little help, hoping that Mr. Sweet 16 was fat and balding. But then I realized I wasn't that shallow and that it really didn't matter because of the circumstances. It was a bittersweet time, I was happy to see him and unhappy that nothing could every be like it was. I was at my relatives home at this point and was only 4 hours away from my final destination. The first meeting with "Mr." was short and sweet. He came by and picked me up in his truck. Then we drove around as we listened to "Our Song" and caught up even more with where the last 30 years had taken us. Two days before I had been 7 years old, now here I was 16 again. As we kissed goodbye, (a socially acceptable one), he asked if I would be available to meet one more time before I left. I, of course, agreed to it.
When we met the next time, he took me to his favorite park where he went to run, walk, and to sit and think. It was there that he showed me his Senior year book and asked me to sign the space he had left for me to sign. The page was called, Someone Special. I asked if I could take the book with me to sign and he agreed. I had wanted to take my time and really meditate on what I was going to say. He too had kept every card and letter that I had mailed and I had brought my 25 letters for him to see again. There we were sitting and reading what we had said back in the day, when we were yet still, young and innocent.
Later that night I went to bed and thought very carefully about what I would say in his memory year book. It went a little something like this: "You will always have a very special place in my heart." There was more but I truly can't remember what. And of course it was done in a politically correct way. For this was real life and not a movie, song, or romance novel. That night I fell asleep listening to "Our Song", and yes, I cried. Tomorrow I would be giving back the book signed and it would start the beginning of the end of an era.
To Be Continued...
The next morning, I got up ready to continue on my way through St. Louis. Because I had never been there, I had decided to take the time out to be a tourist. So, I did the only stop of the trip that was one solely based on fun, I stopped to see the Arch. This was the first time that I had felt a little alone. Normally I would have been sharing this moment with someone, my children, my ex, a relative, someone. But there I was alone walking and taking pictures of the Arch without another to share my thoughts with. I did however, managed to enjoy my little tourist moment for the most part, and then got back into the car heading closer to my destination with fate.
It was a sad thing hoping for a little help, hoping that Mr. Sweet 16 was fat and balding. But then I realized I wasn't that shallow and that it really didn't matter because of the circumstances. It was a bittersweet time, I was happy to see him and unhappy that nothing could every be like it was. I was at my relatives home at this point and was only 4 hours away from my final destination. The first meeting with "Mr." was short and sweet. He came by and picked me up in his truck. Then we drove around as we listened to "Our Song" and caught up even more with where the last 30 years had taken us. Two days before I had been 7 years old, now here I was 16 again. As we kissed goodbye, (a socially acceptable one), he asked if I would be available to meet one more time before I left. I, of course, agreed to it.
When we met the next time, he took me to his favorite park where he went to run, walk, and to sit and think. It was there that he showed me his Senior year book and asked me to sign the space he had left for me to sign. The page was called, Someone Special. I asked if I could take the book with me to sign and he agreed. I had wanted to take my time and really meditate on what I was going to say. He too had kept every card and letter that I had mailed and I had brought my 25 letters for him to see again. There we were sitting and reading what we had said back in the day, when we were yet still, young and innocent.
Later that night I went to bed and thought very carefully about what I would say in his memory year book. It went a little something like this: "You will always have a very special place in my heart." There was more but I truly can't remember what. And of course it was done in a politically correct way. For this was real life and not a movie, song, or romance novel. That night I fell asleep listening to "Our Song", and yes, I cried. Tomorrow I would be giving back the book signed and it would start the beginning of the end of an era.
To Be Continued...
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| Looking Back, Moving Forward by JaMax The Kansas sunset in my side rear-view mirror.  by JaMax |
Takes a lot of courage to go back! Good for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Even though these events happened 1yr & 1/2 ago, it still places me back in the moment while writing. And...to be continued!!!! :o)jm
DeleteBeautiful...and the nostalgia of it all...
ReplyDeleteThanks for accepting my invite, reading the blog, and taking the time to comment. Even though it was heart aching, I really wanted to share this post. Please spread the word!!:o)
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